What stops us knowing our 'self'?
We use 'defense mechanisms' to protect ourselves against anxiety and tension. These protective mechanisms are used as a way of preventing change, since many of us feel quite overwhelmed and threatened by the unfamiliar. They are also used to protect against possible rejection, abandonment or loss of self-esteem.

We are not always aware of when we are using a self-defense mechanism, because they operate from our unconscious mind to help us see our world the way we want to see it.

Here are some of the defense mechanisms most commonly used:
Rationalising
The person manufactures an excuse or reason for a loss or failure. It is not the true reason, yet it is a convincing one.

Many people in marriage, for example, say, "I don't need to change I'm quite all right as I am" or "If we can't help ourselves, then what's the point of going to a Marriage Counsellor?" By such rationalising, these people avoid the threat of change or of having to look clearly at themselves.

Repressing
The person pushes painful or threatening memories, thoughts or emotions out of their mind. This is more than just refusing to think about something - the person can blank them out and forget they ever existed. For example, a person who endured an incident of sexual abuse as a child may literally not remember anything about it ... the memory has been totally repressed (although the memory continues to exist, of course, in the unconscious mind).

Denying
Using the defense mechanism of repressing, the person 'forgets' about something: when denying, the person does not see it as it is. Some situation or incident is just too disturbing and painful to accept, so the person says, "It isn't so." What is happening is that the person is changing his/her perception of reality because to accept it would be too much to bear.

Displacing
The person copes with his/her feelings of anxiety or anger by directing them elsewhere. For example, a shy, non-assertive man whose boss has yelled at him may bottle up the anger and resentment he feels until he gets home. There he gets rid of his hostility and anger by screaming at one of his children.

He does not realise that the real source of his anger is his boss (and perhaps his inability to deal with the situation at work).

Sublimating
The energy of impulses that the person finds disturbing, threatening or frightening is directed into something else. For example, extreme aggression or sexual drives are channeled into a challenging sport or into creative endeavours such as music or painting. Such energy might also be sublimated into say, a challenging program of study, or working long hours at the office in order to reach the top of the corporate ladder.

Regressing
The person is overwhelmed by stressful feelings and so goes back to behaviour that was used in childhood to help cope with deep anxieties. This may involve behaviour from very early childhood, such as thumb-sucking, hiding or temper tantrums.

When Elizabeth had her first baby she used to cry and beg her husband not to go to work. This regression to childlike behaviour was a plea: "Don't leave me - I'm afraid."

Compensating
Here the person's anxiety is relieved by covering up a weakness or limitation and developing something else to divert attention. For example, a woman becomes the best 'homemaker' in the neighbourhood to compensate for deep feelings of inadequacy. Or a man compensates for his small stature by becoming a champion sportsman. Note that neither person 'knows' why they do these things.

Another example is a person who finds it very difficult to relate to other people and becomes an expert with computers ... an avenue that provides both a career and an excuse for avoiding stressful interpersonal situations!

Reaction Formation
This defense mechanism has a strange way of operating - it is used (remember, unconsciously) when one emotion is too threatening for the person to experience, so the opposite emotion takes its place at a conscious level.

Anna has told Jim she is leaving him and he experiences hate for her, because to feel love would be too painful. Patricia says she 'doesn't care' if her husband Peter goes to sea, because to 'care' would destroy her.

Identifying
Identifying with something successful - a charity, a cause, an organisation or even a person - allows the person to see himself/herself as a winner and to avoid feelings of inadequacy. The thought is: "I'm closely associated with something successful, so I'm successful too."

Tony becomes totally involved with the football team - so much so that he neglects his wife and children. He 'needs' this to feel a worthwhile person.

People can select marriage partners by identifying too: Joan married her husband because he came from a well-known and highly respected family and she felt a worthwhile person once she belonged to his family.

Projecting
This defense mechanism destroys many relationships. When people 'project' they attribute to others the faults and limitations that really belong to them. For example, a husband might criticise his wife for being critical never realising that he is the critical one. A wife might accuse her partner of not being loving, when really she is unloving herself.

Undoing/Ritual
Many people deal with guilt by 'undoing'. Michael travels overseas a lot, often staying away longer than necessary. Upon his return he lavishes gifts upon his wife and children. This way he feels less guilty.

Megan works back at her medical practice for long hours and often stops to play squash before going home. She is especially affectionate to her husband when she gets home. This helps her to feel better.

All people use defense mechanisms to some extent. If you want to understand yourself better and grow as a person, you can look inwards and ask yourself whether it is possible that a defense mechanism is protecting you.

For example, if you find yourself being critical of others for some behaviour, you might ask yourself: 'Could it be that I am the one who has that behaviour?' (projection).

Or you could, if you find yourself spending unrealistic hours at your job, hobby or sport, ask: 'am I trying to make up for some deficiency in myself?' (compensation).

When people discover who and what they really are - and try to understand and change that - personal growth is on the way!

The unstoppable drive to be genuine
In counselling, we often see a marriage where one person begins to develop, much to the distress of the non-developing partner. As this type of change is extremely threatening to the non-developing person, he or she does everything possible to stop it. But rarely does this deterring effort succeed.

Often the change is related to one partner deciding to enrol in a university or college, train in a new career or even embark on a course of therapy or counselling.

Adapted from: David Jansen and Margaret Newman (1998: 41-42) 'Really Relating'.
Resilience