"In his book Intimate Behavior, Desmond Morris describes the normal changes that occur in a human being's need for closeness. He suggests that each of us repeatedly goes through three stages: "Hold me tight," "Put me down," and "Leave me alone." The cycle first becomes apparent in the first years of life when children move from the "hold me tight" phase characteristic of infancy to the "put me down" stage when the child first begins to explore the world, crawl, walk, and achieve some independence and autonomy from the mother. This is part of normal development and growth. These phases do not just move in one direction, however at various stages a child may experience some anxiety when the feeling of separateness becomes too great, and then the child will return to the mother for soothing and closeness.

In adolescence, "leave me alone" becomes the predominant phase as the child struggles to form an individual identity. Although this may be difficult or painful for the parents, most experts recognize it as a normal and necessary phase in the transition from childhood to adulthood. Even within this phase, there is still a mixture of phases. While the adolescent is crying "Leave me alone!" to his parents at home, the "hold me tight" needs may be met by strong identification with the peer group.

In adult relationships as well, the same flux occurs. Levels of intimacy change, with periods of greater intimacy alternating with periods of greater distance. This is also part of the normal cycle of growth and development. To reach our full potential as human beings, we need to be able to balance our needs for closeness and union with times when we must turn inward, with a sense of autonomy, to grow and develop as individuals.

As we come to understand this, we will no longer react with horror or panic when we first notice ourselves "growing apart" from our partner, any more than we would panic while watching the tide go out at the seashore. Of course, sometimes a growing emotional distance can signal serious problems in a relationship (an unspoken undercurrent of anger for instance), and even breakups can occur. In those cases, measures such as therapy can be very helpful. But the main point to keep in mind is that a growing distance doesn't automatically spell disaster. It can also be part of a cycle that returns to redefine the relation ship in a new form that can recapture or even surpass the intimacy that existed in the past.

Source: HH the Dalai Lama and Howard Cutler (2000: 168-169) 'The Art of Happiness'. Hodder

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The Three Stages of Intimacy
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Reclaiming Your Relationship Time
Understanding Sexual Feelings